no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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