I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
