Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
BRING THE BAGELS
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
