You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I will pee on everything he values.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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