we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
