I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
