my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
