girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
