You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
