right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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