I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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