Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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