I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
