You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
