glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
