I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Randomize
