all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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