Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
