I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
