i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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