i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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