Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
