a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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