A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
