He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
