I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
