She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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