You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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