Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
