I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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