I faked an abortion last night.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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