I haven't been this sober since birth.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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