then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
