I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
