so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
