Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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