Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
