Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
