I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
