i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
