An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
