Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
