sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
