we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
