Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
