The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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