Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
