I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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