someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
