I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
